Thursday, April 8, 2010

I am sitting here contemplating that Symphony creamy chocolate bar as a consolation prize.

Today's recap:
  • I did 8 push-ups. In the interest of full disclosure, I only got about halfway to the floor, so it might only count as 4. But I did work on arms at the gym today, so I'll try again tomorrow.
  • I did 65 sit-ups. Not bad, though it felt a lot harder than it did last time, when I did 60.
  • I took 6688 steps today (2.3 miles), 2277 of which were "aerobic" steps.
  • I did the elliptical, and several expressline weight machines at the gym.
  • I got to talk through some meditation stuff with Gina and set a goal of finding an exercise I like by this weekend. That way, I can meditate for 5-10 minutes each day for the 3 weeks left in April.

Not bad, eh? I haven't touched the Danish lessons in April though. Maybe I'll get time this weekend, or now that the events are over.

Gina and I were talking about the idea (mentioned in the audio book we read) that when you are trying to "attain" something, you are filling a void of some sort. The author suggested pausing to acknowledge the feeling--and, perhaps, examining it, turning it over to look at the underside. She suggested that you could just sit with the feeling and that eventually it would pass. This could be applied in many situations. She explained it a lot better than I am.

In any case, on Easter I was feeling a bit wistful for the chocolate bunnies of my childhood. When had I outgrown them? Why? I wanted one. My husband was at the store getting soda and I texted him, suggesting he bring home a chocolate bunny, but he had already left the store.

Fueled by my craving, I ordered a refill for a prescription at CVS for the sole purpose of killing two birds with one stone while getting my chocolate bunny. I figured they'd be half off (since it was Easter night) which was a further justification.

They weren't on sale. And they didn't have the kind I wanted. But I picked one out anyway. Michael suggested we could go to the grocery store next door, but I could tell that would be excessive. So I just settled on one, even though I felt a loss because it wasn't the one I imagined it would be. Then I saw the bag of sour jelly beans. Jelly beans were a big part of Easter too. And then I saw that Symphony chocolate bar with the toffee in it...I had wanted a Dove bunny, because of how creamy the chocolate was, and the Symphony bar might satisfy that creamy craving. And then I saw the bag of Dove peanut butter filled eggs. mmmm. That sounded worth trying.

I'll be honest--I picked out 2 or 3 other things too, but I settled on those four. FOUR. I knew I was being excessive. I knew I did not need all of that junk. It did not fit with my exercise/meditation month focus. It was pretty much a waste of money. It wasn't even on sale!

I don't know what "void" I was trying to fill, but I can imagine there was one, because I was in a bit of a funk that day.

I just can't quite believe that if I had taken a moment to look at my chocolate-filled arms, and to ask myself (compassionately) what was really going on there...and if I just simmered in that for a few minutes...that I would have put it all down, picked up my prescription, and walked out of the store content.

I wanted it so BAD. And when I got home, I wanted it all. I didn't want a few bites of the bunny. I wanted to taste the sour jelly beans, and then the creamy chocolate, etc. I did restrain myself to some jelly beans and some peanut butter eggs.

And when I got to the bunny, I was disappointed. I am, in fact, still craving that chocolate, creamy, Dove bunny in my mind's eye.

But--get this. Today, after getting home from the gym and doing sit-ups, I was hot. And parched. And sore. And I wanted ice cream. I could taste the cold, creamy goodness in the back of my throat. So soothing. Only I finished my ice cream a few days ago. So I told Michael I was going to have some of his. And I went to the freezer and opened it. It wasn't what I wanted. And there wasn't much left...if I had some, there wouldn't be much for him. I just wanted it because it was cold. But it wasn't really what I wanted. And I didn't really need it; I was still full from dinner actually.

I put it back.

I would call it a small step of progress, but I am sitting here contemplating that Symphony creamy chocolate bar as a consolation prize.

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