Monday, July 18, 2011

Seeking Sanity

So depending on how you look at it, this weekend was a raging success. For example, I stayed in bed until 2:30 pm on Saturday. Sadly, I still felt tired when I finally dragged myself out to the couch, where I stayed through dinner until I dragged myself back to bed. We did get the laundry done (thanks to Michael). And we got the cup holder accessory installed on the stroller finally. Which was clearly a critical goal. That Michael accomplished after I tried unsuccessfully, got pissed off, cursed a lot, and then abandoned when Milo started crying.

Sunday was an even bigger success. Michael and I have perfected trading off "time off" thanks to our dorm parenting gig. So I let him skip the bottle feeding so he could get up at 4:30 am to go fishing. And he got back at 1:30 so I could leave at 2:00 to get a pedicure and eyebrow wax and go to target. Where I bought 32 snacks and a nursing dress. Michael got to watch the women's FIFA world cup soccer final and then go out for a sushi buffet dinner with his book (and brought me home my favorite CPK pizza). And then I got to take a bath while reading a new book on my iPad. Awesome day. Especially the pedicure. My god. The man who gave my pedicure took such pride in his work that it made me want to cry with appreciation. I'm not kidding. The care and attention he lavished on every little toe just made me feel so pampered. Like he really cared. I told him about a hangnail and he worked so thoughtfully on it and then asked me if it felt better. And when I lied and said it did, he kept going until it actually felt better.

And then.

And then he gave me a TWENTY minute leg and foot massage that made me stop reading, lean my head back, and close my eyes in utter contentment.  Oh, how a simple little foot massage made me feel like a whole person again.  I so appreciate people that take pride in their work.  I tipped him $10, that's how much I appreciated the care he took in such a thankless job.

And after that little adventure--only my THIRD time apart from our little peanut in his 6 weeks of life--I felt restored enough to attack more of the cleaning. Though, again, I really mean TIDY. But...the new vacuum and steam mop should be here tomorrow and I can't tell you how excited I am to try them out. I have serious issues.

And Michael unassembled the Mamaroo, so I can return that.  Which nearly pays for the vacuum and steam mop. =)

Somehow, by this morning, the house was a mess again. I swear, I don't know how it happens. So after I nursed Milo at 7:30, I pumped (7 ounces!) and forced myself NOT to climb back into bed. Instead, I straightened everything up AGAIN for the potential nanny that was coming over to interview. She seemed fine. I wasn't totally in love with her, but it's entirely possible that I have unrealistic expectations because I don't really think anyone can take care of Milo like we can. Or maybe I just don't want them to. I mean, if she does what we want...reading to him, singing to him, taking him for walks, constantly interacting with him while awake and tidying up when he's sleeping...then a) he might grow to like her more and b)I'll feel like an even bigger failure because I can't do all of that for my own son. Of course, she won't be contending with sleepless nights and two other jobs, but it's not like Milo will understand that.

Granted, he probably won't understand much. I recently discovered that I had been in childcare as a young child. I had thought my mom had been home with me until I started school...I remember her being super involved...leading my sister's brownie troop, driving us to endless ballet lessons, throwing me cool care bear movie birthday parties...I have nearly no memory of my babysitter. And I was a lot older than Milo.

Anyway, we got a few applicants from our ad, so now we have to decide whether to interview them or wait and see if this girl wants the job. We found out about her through my boss' nanny, and she seems great, so it's nice to have some kind of recommendation. And because she is young, she will be less expensive than the other applicants. But then again, she is young. And she hasn't yet sent me her references, which I would have expected her to do right away. And her profile says she doesn't smoke but she told me she does, but not around her charges.  And then once we decide all of that, there's the question of how to pay her. On the books or off the books? If we pay on the books, there is a WHOLE lot of paperwork to file and keep track of and it's all very intimidating. But we can use our flex spending account and get a tax credit. AGH.

Luckily, soon after the nanny interview ended, one of my dorm parent friends stopped by to chat for a couple of hours, which was so nice. It turns out we have a lot in common. She totally gets my need to have a clean house. It's funny how I gravitate towards fellow type-A women, even as I admire the type-B women I know--especially the type B mothers. But if I tell people how much I wish I could stay on top of keeping the apartment looking nice and they tell me to relax and let it go because it won't be clean again for 18 years and besides no one expects it to be clean because I just gave birth, I want to scream. I need it clean to stay sane, dammit, why does no one understand that?!? (For the record, I distinctly remember calling my mother crazy because she NEEDED the table and counters cleaned off before she got home from work. Sorry, mom. I totally get it now.)

Also, apparently I'm turning into my mother.

But then, when I explain it to someone who immediately says, "Oh! I'm the same way!" and then goes on to give examples, or put words to my desperate feelings, I feel an immediate kinship. We are practically soul mates.

If only I could find a nanny like that.
Combined with that guy at the nail place that takes such pride in his work.
Combined with all the energy and eagerness to please and genuine adoration of kids and endless patience that I had when I was a nanny.

Oh well. All in all, a good few days in the land of mommyhood.

And though I didn't make it to the gym, I did send an invite out to the mom's group to join a few "stroller strides" exercise classes through a deal I found on BuyWithMe and got two takers...we start next week!

Tomorrow is a big day. We have the mom's group at 1:30, but we are all meeting for lunch at 11:00 before that. Which is really nice, but the idea of having both peanut and I ready to leave the house by 10:30 seems very nearly impossible.  If we do make it through all of that, I might try to also return the mamaroo on the way home, but we'll see. Getting out of the house by 10:30, nursing peanut in public, eating at a real restaurant, and lasting through the end of the mommy group at 3:30 pm is probably enough of a goal for the day.

But there's a chance I might have enough energy to try out the new steam mop while I make dinner.

A small chance, but a chance none-the-less.

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