Monday, March 29, 2010

Ready? Okay!

Michael asked me tonight what he could do to help, and I told him he could be my cheerleader. But what I meant was that he could take my car for an oil change and unpack our suitcases and get groceries and get this multiplying and freakishly stubborn virus off my computer and while he's at it, find me a new computer because this one makes me want to throw myself (or it) out the window...and generally keep our lives moving forward while I concentrate solely on getting my head above water...and then bring home chocolates and flowers and tell me to go take a bath while he does the dishes.

I might need to work on my communication skills.

I've really been struggling lately--as I'm sure you've noticed. When I spoke with my boss last week about trying to find better balance at work I realized that I was relying on her to make my life easier/better when her job is to get me to do the admissions work that needs to be done, not to make sure my job is fulfilling. That's up to me. And the reality is that I've hit a brick wall (or the brick has hit me--repeatedly) and something has to give: either I need to stop the dorm parenting (in which case our lifestyle will change dramatically, and I'll miss it); or I stop college counseling (which is the direction I think I'm headed in, and thus need experience in) or I find myself a new day job. Or I hurry up and pop out a baby, in which case I can take time off from my day job but probably won't have so much time to write that book I've been wanting to write. Hard choices. But that's life. And it turns out I have to learn how to make choices and changes instead of waiting for other people to do the hard work for me. After all--what's in it for my boss?!

I was reading an article by Kelly Corrigan--a memoir author I like--that pointed out that sometimes the biggest secret women keep is what they really want to do with their lives. And I feel like I'm at the do or die point. Not that this is the only window of opportunity to make a change, but that I'll die a little inside each day that I don't. This isn't who I'm meant to be. I am a happy person. Or at least I was. I remember her, even if most of my current acquaintances haven't met that happier version of me. And I know what I want to do with my life. And I want to be great at something, and it's not going to be admissions work. And even though I love graphics and marketing, it's not going to be that either. I'm going to be a great mother. I'm going to be a great writer. Maybe I'll have some creative little side business that will keep me smiling and inspired. And I want to get started, dammit.

I'm just not quite sure how to get there from here. But I have to face up to this truth: if I'm not willing to make the hard choices and create change, I have to stop complaining all the time. And that seems unlikely, doesn't it?

I've been hoping that my new year's resolution would help me make positive changes, and it has helped in a way. The focus helps me stay engaged and meeting goals makes me feel like I'm making some sort of progress in my life. But I've also been feeling more and more like I'm drowning rather than thriving. I know I sound all naive and idealistic and that most people don't love getting up and going to their jobs every day. But I want to crawl under the covers too much. And life is too short for that.

In any case, I was lucky that Melissa motivated me to go to the gym tonight, and it felt pretty good. She makes working out an indulgence--just spending an hour deep in conversation with her makes it all worthwhile. So I got that done.

But my cheerleader/husband actually did (hopefully) take two hours to remove that pesky virus from my computer, so I didn't get to work on Danish. And it's definitely time to curl up under the covers, since I got less than 6 hours of sleep last night. Tomorrow's a new day I guess.


A Little Irish Girl said...

Now I'm the one who should be sleeping, but I felt the need to leave this message before I pass out.

I think you might be confusing things a bit. Don't you see that you are making positive changes? Your resolutions aren't going to result in the hard decisions being made for you, but they are showing you more of yourself. More of that person that you think you might have lost touch with. No one likes to wade into the realm of uncertainty necessary to make a major life decision. But as scary as that is, try and embrace the uncertainty. Think of it as a new chapter of sorts. True, things will have to change and that might not be fun at first, but I have the utmost faith that whatever you decide will lead you to greater happiness. And you know that regardless of the decision you make, you will have a ton of people backing you up and supporting you. Trust your instincts because I'm sure they are right. I mean, you are brilliant after all :) And even if you don't have faith that you'll make the right decision, I do.

Just remember to breath and you can get through anything.

runningwiththejig said...

yes, agreed with above.

Don't confuse maternity leave with a vacation. It really isn't.

Melisa K. said...

thanks, guys. And no, I'm not confusing maternity leave with vacation. It's more just that I feel it would be more rewarding than my current career!

Tiffany said...

What's maternity leave?