Swaddling really works. In case you were wondering.

Milo and I had a really good day today (more on that in the next post) but tonight, right as Michael was getting ready for bed at 11:30, Milo got REALLY fussy. He was crying inconsolably and nothing seemed to help...not even walking,bouncing, and shhing at the same time. I was kind of frustrated that this was happening just as Michael was going to sleep. I mean, the man worked all day and needs to be up at six, and will do a bottle feeding around 3, so he deserves to go to bed. But leaving me with screaming Milo after a full day of mommy-ing left me wanting to cry.

So Michael hands him off to me and I try to get the swaddler ready one handed and wrestle him into it while he's turning bright red and gasping for air in between blood curdling screams.

And I pull that velcro extra tight. My baby is all swaddled up burrito style.

Actually, he looks remarkably like those glow worms we had as children. What happened to them? Those things were so cool!

Anyway, he fell asleep in like two minutes flat.

He just giggled in his sleep. It was the cutest thing ever.

I should probably be using this time to sleep, but he's going to need to eat again soon, so I figured I'd post instead.

Lucky you.

Babies are more dangerous than texting

Because of the C section, I've just recently started driving with Milo, and I'm telling you, it's so dangerous it should be illegal. I'm just saying.

He was screaming bloody murder when we left the house, and of course I was running late (since it always takes longer than I think to get ready to leave the house!) and so THAT was distracting. But then he VERY suddenly stopped crying. Like, so suddenly, I thought he might have cut off his air supply somehow.

Luckily, I have one of those convex baby mirrors that lets me see him in his carseat in my rearview mirrow.

But maybe not so lucky, since I spent the next several minutes (while driving) trying to study him in the mirror and see if he was still breathing.

Trust me...trying to watch my baby breathe in the rear view mirror is WAY more dangerous than me texting while driving.

Mommyhood Epiphanies from Month 1

I've learned a LOT in the first month of mommyhood, but here are the most important things:

1. I once read that the ideal to-do list has 3-5 items on it. I'm now pretty sure it wasn't a mom that came up with that rule. The reality is that the ideal to-do list for a new mom has ONE thing on it, and that one thing should probably be either a shower, a nap, or a walk with the baby. It's fine to have a long to-do list--I sure do--but I'm trying to pick just one thing a day...anything more is award-worthy. My thing today was to write this blog entry, since I've been writing a ton of very witty entries in my head but haven't had any time to actually post. Unfortunately, the lack of sleep has led me to forget all the witty parts. Sorry. Hopefully if I get back in the habit of posting, the witty will return. Fingers crossed.
2. I was so frustrated because I haven't been getting much sleep and spend approximately 8 hours a day feeding and changing Milo, which meant that in the ten hours Michael was gone at work each day, I got absolutely nothing done. The laundry was overflowing, as was the sink, and I was eating a bowl of cereal for brunch each day and nothing else until dinner. I felt like a total failure and the chaotic state of my house was driving me quickly to meltdown land.  And then, the other day, I gave in. I was too tired to care. I did nothing but feed and change Milo and nap when he napped. I tried not to lose my shit when he cried for no reason and used it as an excuse to take a walk to get the mail. Otherwise, I pretty much lived on the couch. Then Michael came home from work with dinner, put a load of laundry in, and took over Milo duty. And then I cleaned and organized and uploaded pictures and finished the nursery and put together the footprint photo frame that had been mocking me for 3 weeks. And I had the mother of all epiphanies: my strategy was all backwards. Instead of trying to get a ton of stuff done during the day while Michael is at work, I should be using that time to enjoy every minute staring at my tiny man and walking with him and reading to him and dancing with him. And then when Michael gets home, he can dance and walk and sing and I will be free to get stuff done. And I'll be able to get so much more done in even two hours of uninterrupted time without the baby than I could get done in all ten hours during the day! (I also learned that the more I do, the more motivated I am to do more. Whereas the less I do, the less motivated I am to get up off the couch.)

And, here are some smaller things I've learned:

1. Nursing hurts. And though it's "natural," that doesn't mean it comes naturally. Even after online breastfeeding support chats, and in-person drop in support groups, and a (very expensive) home visit from a lactation consultant, and tons of reading and youtube videos (you'd be surprised what you can find on there)...it still hurts. Even though, according to all of the above, everything we're doing is "right." Even the (very expensive) ointment that has to be specially compounded at a pharmacy doesn't seem to help...even when paired with around-the-clock ibuprofen. But I hear it gets easier, and so I'm hanging in there a little longer.  It does have it's rewarding bits: the portable food supply and cozy time. But who knew it would be so expensive? Driven by sheer desperation, I seem to have spent approximately...hmm...somewhere around $600 on trying to make nursing more comfortable. Of course, if any of it had worked, it would have been a perfect mastercard commercial. Alas.
2. I don't know if I agree that babies are born too early and need to spend their first three months or "fourth trimester" being convinced they are still in the womb, but I do know that shhhing and vigorous bouncing (imitating the womb experience) really do calm baby down. And swaddling him helps him sleep better and longer, since it impairs his ability to startle himself awake with the Moro reflex. (These tips are straight from The Happiest Baby on the Block book, which makes an excellent baby shower gift for any friends that are expecting. Though I suspect the DVD is better...the author is smart, but not a particularly engaging writer.)
3. You'll never guess the best vehicle for vigorous bouncing: a standard exercise ball. Hold baby, sit, and bounce up and down as hard as possible. Works about 90% of the time to calm the baby down.
4. White noise works too...just has to be louder than the baby crying. Bringing the Cloud B giraffe to the hospital with us when Milo was born was genius (thanks, Alexis!)...we bring it everywhere and it works about..60% of the time.  In fact, any loud noise works pretty well, and not just because it drowns out Milo's noise. =[) Taking him to a noisy restaurant like TGIF works too. (That giraffe makes another great baby shower gift!)
5. Babies love moving, whether in a car, stroller, or baby carrier. Between the exercise ball and the walking, this is a great way to get back into pre-baby shape (just a few more pounds, and I'm there, thanks to Milo's growth spurts/fussy phases). If nothing else seems to work, throw the baby in a sling and take a walk in the fresh air. Good for both baby and mommy/daddy.

Finally, I'm learning to accept any and all help that's offered. This is not a strength of mine. I grew up in a family that valued work ethic, independence, and self-sufficiency.  I like to think I can handle pretty much anything all by myself. But I can't; motherhood has knocked me flat on my ass and laughed at me. Which could have been a devastating discovery if not for the tandem discovery that I don't have to do it all by myself. I've been blown away by the generosity of friends, family, and even acquaintances. Neighbors offered meals and lent baby gear and took Milo for a stroll when I was about to lose it.  People stopped by and offered to pick up groceries and do laundry and dishes. I can take a walk on campus and drop into offices and homes for adult conversation and encouragement. Hell, some woman in a breastfeeding chat offered to meet me at a drop-in session just to offer encouragement because she's been here before.  Turns out it really does take a village to raise a child...or at least to keep the parents sane.

I'm very grateful for my village.

After the last month, I feel really badly that I didn't do more for my friends and family that have had babies. I'm sorry guys--I just had no idea what it was like. If I had, I would have gotten you The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD, some aden and anais swaddling blankets (the super soft bamboo ones), one of the cloud b animal white noise makers, an exercise ball and a sling or other baby carrier. Then, once baby was born, I would have found a way to help with household chores like laundry, dishes, meals, groceries, driving, etc.

I was a sucky villager.

But now that I know...bring on the babies!

Just kidding. You should probably wait until Milo, Michael and I have graduated from that whole fourth trimester chapter.

Today's Mommyhood Victory...

Wow. Motherhood is a time warp. And though (once again) there are a million posts that have been composed and left to meander in my head over the past month, I think we just have to jump into the present tense.

The present tense is tired. Exhausted, even. And painful. Especially in the nipple area.

So it's good to note and celebrate any small victories of the day. Here's todays:

Michael went grocery shopping today. (No, that's not the victory.) He brought home ribs for dinner, and boy did they smell delicious! While he made dinner, I fed the baby. Look at our perfect timing! I burped Milo and put him in his bouncer just as Michael brought our plates in. YAY! Food. mmmmm.

Of course, after two bites of dinner, Milo started fussing. He was in a sleepy state so I was hoping he might just settle down. I gave the bouncer a few extra vigorous bounces with my foot and he calmed slightly.

Phew. Back for bites three and four.

And then, the murderous wail that signifies gas pains. Sigh.

So up Milo comes, for some burping and comfort.  I continue to eat my veggies one handed.

And THEN I ask Michael to cut my ribs apart.

And I ate them one-handed.

That's right, folks. Just two weeks in and here I was, baby cradled over my shoulder in one hand, legs up on the table, and ripping the meat off of ribs with one hand and my teeth. Redneck? Maybe a little.

But c'mon...also a little impressive, no?

MIA Mommy

I fear the last oh...month or two has been some unfortunate foreshadowing of my ability to maintain this blog once Baby K comes along. The thing is, if I skip even one little thing, then I feel like I can't add an update until I catch up...and the longer I wait, the more intimidating it gets. So here's the super quick low-down on what you missed since the last real entries...

• I had a horrible pain in my side and a nurse was worried it was kidney related and sent me to the ER. It wasn't kidney related so they sent me home. 
• The next afternoon, I awoke from a nap literally unable to move without sobbing at the pain. And I was not entirely dressed. I had to call Michael and have him come home and help me get dressed and back to the ER, where we spent 7 hours doing all kinds of tests. During which, three different nurses couldn't find baby's heartbeat. Which would have been scary except that just when I was getting really nervous, baby decided to kick the little doppler thingie the nurse was using. I'm pretty sure he was mocking her.
• I was out of work the rest of that week and luckily the pain started easing up on day three or so. I had to miss a huge event at work which was probably a good lesson for me that the world does still move even if I am confined to the couch. Unfortunately, I felt like I should be more productive with my time off, but I really couldn't do much of anything.
• This led to the end of my exercising streak, which had been going really well. According to my book, this will have an ill effect on baby's brain development. But I maintain that it will probably result in better balance anyway. There's such a thing as too smart, you know.
• Michael and I went on an amazing Babymoon/Anniversary weekend at the Mandarin Oriental hotel in Boston, which was ridiculously posh. I mean, when I got up to the room, there was a man waiting at the door with decaf tea for me (because I was preggo!) and inside was a Congratulations cake in honor of both anniversary and baby. Sweet. The weekend also included fishing (for Michael) and a chocolate truffle making workshop with Kate (for me) and a motherhood massage (me again) and lots of amazing food. Oh, and the most lovely breakfast in bed ever. Really.
• Two weeks later was my baby shower, which was amazing. Kate, Gina, and Linda planned it for Finale (a local desserterie) and there were mad libs and bath salts involved, so you know it was amazing. I got to have dinner and pedicures with Sammy and Linda the night before, and then have so many of my favorite people in one place for the actual shower on Saturday. I felt very spoiled. My mom was sick and couldn't make it, which was sad, but I felt lucky to be surrounded by so many people who are so excited for Michael and Baby and I. =)
• Finally, we are making some progress on the nursery, with a little help from our friends. Thanks to Erin for putting together the crib and dresser and Gina for helping me reposition wall decals a million times! The room is really taking shape and makes me irrationally happy.

Okay, there you go. We're all caught up and I have no excuse not to get back in the swing of things with this blog!

xoxo

Mother's Day Rap

I'm not really counting this year as my "first mother's day" since little baby k has yet to be born, but even so, I wasn't having a super good day. I was under the weather, very hormonal, and a little bit lonely so I decided to take myself to the movies to see if I could snap myself out of it. That's usually a surefire trick, but it didn't work, so I headed homeward and crawled into bed for a long nap. I texted Michael to let him know I didn't feel up to going out to dinner after all, and I passed out for over two hours. When I woke up, I was feeling slightly better. I came into the kitchen to find a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a first mother's day card, complete with a little rap he wrote for me, which included the following verse:

Our little pea
gots no idea
just yet
Just how groovy
his momma truly is,
I bet.
But he gon' find out
You're da mommy rock star,
Best ever,
near or far.
In closing,
one more thing to say:
Wicked Happy
Almost
Mother's Day! 

Now how could I not be cheered up by that?!?!

But that wasn't all he had in store...he also made me steak and lobster roll dinner!

And then, we had to go to dorm meeting. I wasn't looking forward to it, but two of the girls gave me a rose for Mother's Day (for being their dorm mother) and another one of the girls gave me this little hat and bootie set she made for Baby K:

 So, in the end, it turned out to be a better day than expected. Yay Michael and dorm girls. =)

Pregnancy Trappings

I have bought exactly one pair of maternity jeans and one pair of maternity black work pants. They've worked out well, and I daresay they'll last the entire pregnancy. Meanwhile, I've bought 6 bras. After trying on approximately 62. And none of them are really working out at all. If I get one where the straps stay up, I can't breathe. Or my ribs feel like they're getting bruised by the underwire. I tried to find a wireless one...it didn't work. Well, not in a way I could wear out of the house anyway. I don't want a nursing bra...they have that inner partial bra thing that I know will drive me nuts.  It's ridiculous, this quest for a comfortable yet supportive and appropriate bra. 

But it's not all bad. In mid-February, we finally finished this year's season of admissions interviews. Which meant that I could make the switch from professional-looking "work shoes" to SNEAKERS! And I even found a pair of black ones that don't look terrible with my nicer work clothes.  Even better--I found these gel, massage-y inserts to put in them. Ahhhhh. Lovely. I almost don't notice that my right foot is too wide and feels all squished.  These will definitely tide me over until flip flop weather comes along. Which must be soon!!

Meanwhile, I took out my belly button piercing. And I'm sad about it.  I had read online about women who kept theirs in for the entire pregnancy, but my belly button is starting to pop out (wtf?) and the skin around it was starting to look a bit angry. So out it came. I loved that little bit of secret sparkle. Every few days I poke it back in, in the hopes that I can keep the hole from closing up. Of course, once I have floppy skin and stretch marks, it probably really won't be the same. I should have at least gotten one nekkid sparkly belly picture first. sigh.

And, off came my wedding band and engagement ring as well--at Michael's insistence.  They were getting a little snug, and he was worried they'd wind up needing to be cut off! It's an alarming thought, for sure, but how likely is that really? (is it?) My fingers feel weird without them.  I might have to buy a fake, bigger one. People should know that I'm married!

I really need to post more...I keep writing these really witty blog entries in my head and then never finding the time to post them before completely forgetting them.  It's a bit sad, really.  In any case, we're off on a little baby-related adventure now so I'll try to check back later and update you.  Before I forget.

xoxo

Good thing curly hair is more forgiving than I am.

It'd be pretty easy to complain this week, given the 11-15 hour work days and the fact that I'm still coughing up a storm AND can't sleep more than four hours at a time.

But instead, I'll focus on something more positive: some of the things I'm feeling grateful for.

• I had the nicest night out with three of my girlfriends on campus last week. We had yummy dessert (and virgin strawberry mojito for me!) and it was such good company that it felt way too soon to end the night when the restaurant started shutting off lights. 
• The weekend before that, we went to visit my sister and her family--specifically to celebrate her birthday and the first birthday of my nephew. It was so nice to see them, even though it was such a short trip. Tiff and I got to talk for like 6 hours with no (cute) kiddos around and it made me realize how much I miss her. It's kind of great that we get to be pregnant at the same time, even if we don't see each other often.
• I took Tiff to the spa for her birthday and decided to get a haircut. I've only paid to get my hair cut about three times. Ever. No one seems to know what to do with curly hair, and it usually looks the same when I leave as it did going in, so it hardly seems worth the money. Especially since I can cut it myself--curly hair is very forgiving that way. But I did have one good experience getting it cut at a spa in Arizona a few years ago, so I figured I'd give it a try. It desperately needed a trim. (Who said pregnant ladies were supposed to have glorious hair? liars!) Anyway, I knew right off the woman didn't really know what she was doing, because while we had talked about trimming an inch off, she started cutting it wet. Everyone knows you cut curly hair dry. But I figured I'd just see what happened. Curly hair is forgiving, after all. But halfway through blow drying, I realized...I was in NJ. New Jersey! OMG. She made me look like a Jersey Jewish princess from the '80's. Going to her Bat Mitzvah. (I apologize to the Jewish Jersians who might be reading this, but you know what I'm talking about.) Ironically, I also looked like my late Jewish grandmother (may she rest in peace). My hair was big. And there were straightened, poofy bangs. At one point, Tiff thought the lady was kidding and made a joke about it being a good look, but then she realized it was no joke. Tiff's hair took longer than mine and the whole time I was sitting there talking to her I kept seeing myself in the mirror with shock and horror. I was itching to get to a sink so I could tame my hair with some water. Luckily, after a shower, I thought it actually didn't look half-bad. Granted, it's about 6 inches shorter than I wanted it, but it does have a nicer, face-framing shape, and it's garnered a few compliments. So, all's well that ends well, I guess. 
  
• Even better, we stayed at a hotel. With a jacuzzi! Woohooo.
• Even better, we were supposed to see some other friends and I really wanted to fit it in but for various reasons, our friends wound up saying that I should rest and that they'd rather come to Boston to see us than have us running around like crazy. I honestly did want to see them, but that guilt-free night to relax in the hotel was a total gift.
• Even BETTER--Michael drove the whole way down and back and let me sleep. Which was awesome, because I was still pretty sick. I love visiting family but I hate hate HATE the drive, so this is like a HUGE gift. Michael is an excellent sport about driving. He doesn't even mind if I nap, because he's not a talking kind of driver. I am. If he's not talking to me, I have to get on the phone. I get bored when I drive. It's not safe for long distances. =)
• On the drive home, after being in the car for hooooours, as we were nearing our place, I remembered I still had work to do. And mentioned wistfully how much I'd appreciate some sour apple straws to help me get through the application reading. And Michael just detoured to get them! Even though I said it really was okay (and meant it). Then, once there, he told me I should probably just go ahead and get 6 packages...like that was the most reasonable course of action in the world. God, I love that man.
• Work has been insane lately. INSANE. I mean, like, working 15 hours straight insane. All the time. Last week I was worried I'd lose the balance I've been working so hard to achieve, and so I emailed Michael from work and told him what I had to do and that I needed him to take over the dorm parenting and help keep the house clean or I was going to lose my shit. And he DID. Not only that, but when I thought I might have to give up and came stumbling (and pouting) out of the office declaring that I needed motivation, he offered to give me a massage if I finished my files. Ooooh. Good call, Michael.
• Part of the work I had to do was a big design project. It took about 20 hours (17 of which I did outside of work hours) but other than that I really enjoyed it and I'm pretty excited to get them from the printer. If only I could make a job for myself where I did college counseling part time (from home) and freelance publications projects like that (from home.) And somehow got random travel expenses paid for. Ahhhhh. It's good to have dreams.
• I finalized plans to go visit Alexis in a few weeks, after she has her first baby. Not only will I get to see my best friend and her cutest newborn baby, but I'll get away from work and find some quiet time (and sun!) YAY. (No lazy river though--that hotel was booked.)
• And, I had several friends reach out to ask me how I was feeling today, out of the blue. I haven't had time to call them back yet, but still really appreciate their thoughtfulness.

I walk around all the time muttering "I hate people" under my breath like a crazy person. In fact, while driving a van full of teenagers in the snow-ice the other night, another vehicle cut me off and I found myself declaring, "I hate you. I hate you and everything you stand for."

But I have to say, I love the people I have in my life. I wish I had more time to spend with them, but all in all, I feel pretty damn lucky.

Pregnancy Underthings

Do they make special socks for those that are preggers? We don't even need to talk about the fact that I can no longer REACH my feet to put socks on. But lately I've noticed that when I take them off at the end of the day (which I can still do fairly easily, oddly) my legs look like...well, I don't know what. They're pasty white, for one thing, as if they've had no blood flow for several hours. And the imprint of any pattern is ingrained in my skin. Michael suggested I get bigger socks, but really...they're size 9-11 and my feet are an 8 at best. Maybe I just need a different fabric? With no elastic at the top?

And while we're on the subject, let's just talk about bras again. Because a few weeks ago, I found exactly one that was comfortable (after trying on 34). And while I was in Florida, my mom and I went bra shopping together since I figured I needed some expert fitting advice. We didn't find ANY that fit well. But lately, I feel like I have severely BRUISED skin/bones/ribs under where my underwire is. I don't know if that's possible, but that's how it feels. I think maybe I need a bra without an underwire. But really--it seems unlikely that I could find a wireless 38D (ish) bra that would actually do what I needed it to in order to be able to wear it to work. And I've looked at the "maternity" bras, which are all really nursing bras and have that nursing feature which I think would drive my skin mad. So...yeah, awesome.

I think it's time to quit my job so I can just give in and go nekkid for the next few months.

Yup, resolution v. 2011 is off to a gooooood start.

So I went to the doctors' office yesterday to see about this persistent cough and general crappy feeling that's been going on. I feel like poor baby is experiencing constant earthquakes! Talk about stress.

I walk with the assistant to the examining room and I take off my coat. She immediately offers a hearty "Congratulations!" I feel a momentary sense of pleasure at my pregnant self. How nice to get that sort of automatic reaction! (Though I do also think to myself that it's a hard and fast rule that you NEVER assume someone is pregnant unless they offer that information!)

Later, the doctor walks in and starts reviewing the (lengthy) list of medications I'm taking (and trying), and pauses when she comes to the prenatal vitamins. "Are you pregnant?" she asked incredulously.

"Yep!" I answered.

"How pregnant?" she followed up with skepticism.

"Six months!" I declared proudly. I must look goooooood if she's that surprised, right?

So there you have it, my latest evidence of my positive attitude...happy that I look fat enough to assume I'm preggo and happy that I don't look six months preggo. haha.

I've been doing well on the connecting business too. Even though I was miserably sick last week, I had social plans on Wednesday, Thursday, AND Friday night, and all were really, really nice.

I also think the weekend found great balance (for this time of year, anyway) in that I went back and forth from bed to reading files. I slept more than I normally would allow, letting my body recover, and read 25 applications to boot. Today at work, I got handed 5 big design projects to do in the next two weeks, so instead of taking a nap I got 13 applications read (I want a prize!) but now I get to go to bed early to get in 8 hours of sleep.

Yup, resolution v. 2011 is off to a gooooood start.

xoxo

Prenatal Cradle

So I went to the baby Dr. on Thursday. She asked how I was feeling and I told her about the pains that have started in my abdomen, hips, etc. I figured they were all normal but wanted to check. She told me they were normal but since I'm petite and having them already, I might want to look into getting a prenatal cradle (pictured at right). This contraption supposedly supports you so much that it alleviates many pains. She seemed sort of amused when she said she couldn't wait to hear what I thought of it. (I'm almost sure she meant this as a compliment--she seems to adore my sarcasm and commentary and questions re: everything related to pregnancy.) She thinks I'm smart. She said so, when I asked her if I was taking enough DHA for baby's brain development. I think she's smart too. I picked her because she did her undergrad at Brown--the progressive ivy. Yep, I'm an education snob. I've been secretly wanting to ask her this whole time where her parents went to school. But I think if I found out she was a legacy at Brown, I'd be disappointed.

I'm kidding! Well, mostly. I do really like her though. She answers (all!) of my questions and she gives me a lot of extra information and she seems to have a balanced and reasonable take on all of the pregnancy "rules." (except she told Michael that I really SHOULDN'T sleep on my back, even if reclined, which I will not forgive her for.)

Anyway, so I looked up the prenatal cradle. Hahahahahaha. Who designed that thing? It looks significantly harder to get into than a criss-cross bathing suit (which has always given me trouble and prompted a firm rule against buying clothes I can't put on without assistance.) And, um, I can't imagine the front criss-cross would work very well with my new size HUGE boobs. But all of that aside...it doesn't look very...subtle. I mean, there's no hiding that thing under your clothes! (Though I guess it would distract from my visible belly button ring.)

I'm sorry to say that the baby dr. will have to wait to hear how the prenatal cradle and I got along. I think I'll save it for a last resort if things get a lot worse later in the pregnancy! (Though this current coughing epidemic is making me reconsider...I keep trying to use my hands to support my belly and other painful places so as not to shake baby too much.)

Anyone else out there tried one of these contraptions??

Holy Shit.

Here's the scene: Michael and I are in the living room, each on our laptops. I read an email from a dear friend, who mentions she has been writing some of my other dear friends regarding plans for my baby shower. I smile, and laugh. Michael looks up curiously.

me: They're planning my baby shower! (gleefully) I mean, that's so thoughtful, but it's a little early. The baby is like, six months away.

Michael: (looking at me like I'm deranged) Um, no it's not.

me: It is! 

Michael: Isn't the shower usually pre-baby? 

me: Baby is due in June. That's the 6th month. It's only January.

Michael: Actually, it's February. (starts counting the upcoming months on his fingers)

me: (interrupting his counting) Holy shit! We're going to have a BABY in four months!

Less than four months, now (hopefully). That's crazy. Don't get me wrong--I'm super excited. But this whole time it's seemed like some far-off dreamworld version of our life...far enough in the distance to seem positively surreal.

But less than four months. Whoa. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

The Boa Constrictor of Pregnancy

Okay, I'm not trying to be negative here, but I feel like there is a boa constrictor tightening itself around my body. I've up-sized my bra twice already, and while it can contain my preggo chest, it still makes me feel unable to breathe--especially while sitting down. To make matters worse, I am itchy. Really itchy. In places inappropriate to scratch in public. Or in my office. I've tried lotion and all that jazz to no avail. Now, I know it could be worse. But it is pretty uncomfortable.

On top of that, the fatigue remains strong--I'm still waiting for that "burst of energy" you all promised me in the second trimester! The other morning, I woke up early to go to spinning class and went to put in my contacts...only to find my contact case empty. After much searching, I found I had forgotten to take them out the night before and they were still in my eyes. This morning, I put on an outfit and went to the bathroom to find that the bra I was wearing was not...appropriate...for the outfit, so I went into my room to change bras. When I went to put my shirt back on over the new bra, I couldn't find it anywhere. I was looking all around, frustrated. "I *just* took it off--where could it have gone?!" Only to find Michael laughing at me, "Um...isn't it around your waist?"

Why yes, yes it is.

Despite all of this, I really am feeling pretty positive (and connected) these days. Michael and I had plans with friends (both together and separately) every night this week that we weren't on duty, and I've had some great conversations with kids in our dorm as well. This weekend, we're making a three-course gourmet (ha!) dinner for the group that won the scavenger hunt. I made it to the gym twice this week, and I got some extra exercise in the form of shoveling my car out of a snowbank.

And, of course--there's little drummer boy. I get so excited every time I feel a single little drum beat from inside the great pumpkin of my belly, and I swear I can't wait for them to get stronger and more frequent. But for now, I just like knowing baby carrot is there.

This week, I've also been grateful for:

• Michael going to get groceries during a busy dorm duty night
• a night with two of my favorite (adult) campus residents
• waking up to a clean house!
• a snow day that allowed me to sleep in and NOT be on duty
• having the Florida trip to look forward to, as well as a likely trip to visit Tiff et al later in February

I'm even feeling pretty balanced. During the snow day, I got in admissions work, cleaning, a bath and some reading. It wasn't AS productive as it should have been work-wise, and it wasn't AS relaxed as I might have wished...but it was good. And I felt content at the end of the day.

I've been really engaged by the reading in my Brain Rules for Baby book too...maybe I'll share some of the findings with you next time!

Meanwhile, I've got to go home for lunch and take off this bra so I can breathe!

xoxo

The World's Tiniest Drummer--playing from inside a pumpkin!

I've heard a lot of descriptions for the first feelings of baby moving inside of you: a fish swimming in your stomach, butterflies fluttering, bubbles rising through tomato sauce...and I've been anxiously awaiting any and all of those reassuring feelings. I'll concentrate on my stomach, feeling around, sending mental messages to baby to just MOVE already. I'd think I felt something, but then when I'd focus on it, it wouldn't reappear.

But over the last few days, I've been over the moon to find I have a tiny little DRUMMER in my tummy. I swear--it feels like someone beating on the world's tiniest drum--from the inside of a pumpkin. Go ahead, picture it. Cute, huh?

That's right. My baby's cute. And musically gifted. Though he seems to have inherited my lack of rhythm.

Still, I'm celebrating. And I've become one of those women who constantly feel their bump. I just feel like I have a little buddy in there. Without realizing it, I'll find myself softly feeling myself up, just saying hi there, little buddy.

***

So I went to spin class this morning (after waking at a ridiculous 5:15 am!) and found that my stomach seems to have grown substantially in the last two weeks. As I was furiously pumping away, my knees were sort of knocking into my stomach. (sorry, baby). Maybe if I raise the seat higher? Maybe there's a reason you don't see too many preggo women spinning. But it is such a good workout!

***

They were calling for two feet of snow tomorrow, then changed it to 6-10 inches. We were expecting a snow day, so we rescheduled our interviews at work and I packed up a bag full of applications to review--the first of the season! I was irrationally excited at the thought of how much work I could get done from home on a snow day...and after sleeping in to boot! Sadly, they've changed the forecast to 4-6 inches, which probably means we'll only have a delay. In which case, our office still opens at 8 am. Sigh. For some reason, there just isn't the same excitement about trying to get all that work done at the office. 

Can't you just imagine the conversation where I try to explain to my boss how much more productive I could be if I could sleep in and work from home? But I swear it's true!

Well, if I'm going to have to get up on time, I might as well head to bed now. The 5.5 hours of sleep I got last night didn't quite do it for me...

'night, y'all.

Navel Gazing

So my words for 2011 are positivity, connection (connected-ness?), and balance. Only I keep forgetting the balance part. I'm doing fairly well on the connection front...I've been filling my calendar with friend dates and making myself more available to connect with students in the dorm (even when they ask to make cookies in my oven at 11:30 pm...opportunity!). I'm definitely making progress on the positivity front, because I've started noting the things I'm grateful for when I'm feeling particularly negative.

But balance. Hmm. Not so much.

On Friday, we had a snow day, and I wound up being on duty in the dorm. I had a plan that I would get admissions work done but also clean the house. While I was on duty. And then I decided to go to a leisurely brunch. And then watch a DVR show. You know--in the name of balance.

Before I knew it, my dorm shift was over and I was somehow exhausted. So I took a nap.

Moral of the story: doing nothing all day is just as un-balanced (and unhealthy) as trying to do everything in a day.

I did, however, manage to just turn the day around by spending hours last night turning our wedding logo into a baby logo. I know, I know...it's kind of disgusting to have a baby logo. Let's not call it that. But I had gotten this baby journal on etsy and there's a photo opening on the front, and it seemed a bit odd to put the ultrasound picture on there. So I thought this would be a fun little project. Maybe I can use it on the announcement or something later. Anyway, I kept some of the elements that represented our wedding...my engagement ring and the lace from my wedding dress...but I replaced some of the more frilly elements with baby jungle animals, owls, monsters, and robots. I had to add a little blanket for the baby to sit on so he didn't blend into the background. But I have to say, I'm pretty excited about how it came out. yay.

I didn't sleep well last night, so I lingered in bed until after ten trying to feel rested. It didn't work. So I decided to take a bath. I was supposed to go to the gym with a friend, but it didn't work out and I didn't feel motivated enough to go by myself. Eventually, Michael and I decided to go to dinner and a movie. Only, the first two restaurants we tried had a long wait and by the time we finished dinner, we had missed the movie. So it was 8:30 and, other than eating, I had again gotten nothing done today. Michael suggested we do the movie tomorrow instead. Which was a nice idea. Except now I had put off the admissions work, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, etc etc until tomorrow.

So I asked him to help me clean for an hour when we got home. Neither of us wanted to do it, but we did! And we got most of the house done in that hour. And then I printed out the picture for the baby journal and updated the journal. So at least I got something done today. I'm feeling a little more balanced, I guess.

Meanwhile, I keep trying to connect with baby telepathically. And by massaging my stomach. I'm trying to get him to kick. He hasn't kicked yet--at least not that I can tell--and I'm about to start week 21. References online say you start to feel it between 16 and 22 weeks. And I'm sure I'll regret saying so later, when he's constantly kicking me, but I just can't wait! It will be very reassuring to feel him moving and kicking and to know it means he's generally okay in there.

This is normal, right? To be this paranoid with your first pregnancy?

While laying in the bath today, I laid both hands on my stomach, feeling around for the baby, seeing if I could make him move. And then I took my hands away and stared at my belly with great concentration. I talked to the baby. I meditated. I opened one eye in case I could see something I couldn't feel.

Who would have ever imagined such interest in watching my own stomach? Talk about navel gazing...

A practice in positivity

Today hasn't been the best day. At lunch, I ate a huge bowl of thai leftovers, which was delicious. Then I had one bite that tasted funny and immediately threw up everything I ate today. A lot. I guess something disagreed with my pregnant self. Then I had to rush back to work to give an interview. Awesome.

We were supposed to be headed to Florida early tomorrow morning to visit my parents, and we were REALLY excited to get out of town. Partly because life has been just a little stressful and busy lately, but mostly because we really miss them. And maybe a little because Michael is going through fishing withdrawal right now.

So I freaked out this afternoon when I went to check in for my flight and the reservation said we weren't flying out until Saturday. What?!

Turns out they had already decided to cancel the flight tomorrow morning and just rebooked us for a day later...without telling us. Awesome. I called and they agreed to put us on a later flight tomorrow morning.

But then that one got canceled.

To skip to the end of the story, we couldn't fly out until Saturday and since we were coming back Sunday that just didn't seem worth it. Luckily, we were able to get a full refund and cancel the hotel and rental car without penalty.

Nonetheless, I'm feeling pretty sad and grumpy and irritable. So I guess it's a good time to practice that positivity I was talking about. Here goes.

I'm grateful that:

• The maintenance crew figured out how to turn the boiler up so we get hot showers again!
• I had a really good interview this morning
• We found out our flights got cancelled before we got up early and rushed to pack and get to the airport
• And we got a refund
• And we *might* be able to reschedule
• the girls in the dorm got the head of school to help them form the name of our dorm with their bodies. For the scavenger hunt. =)
• I guess now we have a free weekend in which to get caught up on housework and laundry and maybe even some reading and fun
• Maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow, in which case I can stay home without using the personal day I was going to use up
• I also won't have to waste the 1.5 lbs of blueberries in my fridge that were probably going to go bad before I got back and got a chance to eat them.
• There's a really yummy strawberry shortcake dessert with my name on it
• Michael's going to let me go to bed early after doing the 10:00 check ins.

You know, I actually do feel a little better right now. Crazy, huh?

A Plan for Positivity

I'm a complainer. I am. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. It stems from a need for validation, I'm pretty sure, and it's one of the things I'd most like to change about myself, which is one of the reasons I've chosen "positive" as one of the new year's resolution guiding adjectives for the year.

It's hard for me not to complain. Sometimes it feels like everything is going wrong and the world is not stacked in my favor. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how infuriating and incompetent others can be. Or how thoughtless. Sometimes I want to feel a sense of accomplishment in the sense that I want others to think, "Holy crap. How can she even DO all of that?!" And that's hard if I don't constantly tell them how much I've gotten done--and in the face of such hard conditions! It's also just such an easy, fail-safe conversation starter. It's so easy to connect with someone over a shared frustration, isn't it?

I don't think I can quit cold turkey, but here's what I'm trying to do...when I find myself in that overwhelmed/complaining/negativity cycle of thought, I'm going to try to stop and list some things that I'm grateful for...something positive to focus on. And I'm going to ask Michael to help me with this. To his credit, he has tried to help me see and break the cycle in the past, but it's not usually effective. He'll point out that I totally can handle it all or that it's not as bad as I think or that I need to look at one step at a time. But once I'm in that place, I can't really hear any of that and I don't want to. I want sympathy. And I want him to offer to take something off of my plate! A detailed account of all of the things that I'm doing really well wouldn't hurt either. In any case, the last time Michael tried to talk sense into me during one of my complaining and distressed monologues, I told him he didn't understand and walked away with tears in my eyes, frustrated because he had asked what was wrong and then when I told him, he acted like I was overreacting.

Which I probably was. But that's not the point.

So I'm thinking that it might help if he just listened, and then changed the subject by asking me what the best part of my day was. Supposedly this kind of conscious thought-changing is supposed to be very effective. I've been trying it on my own, and when I remember to do it, it works pretty well.

Today, I was frustrated about a situation with a colleague, and worried that the upcoming snowstorm would spoil our travel plans to Florida Friday morning, and overwhelmed with work, and sooo tired from two days of only getting 4-5  hours of sleep.

But I was also grateful for a super hot shower this morning, and the opportunity for a mid-day nap, and the fact that the girls are still really excited about the dorm scavenger hunt and have even gotten one of the less connected students to feel engaged with it. And I'm also grateful that my husband ends every single one of his emails to me with a heart. Like this: <3. Grocery list, bill reminder, a response to me nagging him about something...no matter what it is, there's a heart at the end. It's so reliable that I've sometimes wondered if it's in his signature. But I imagine he's not sending those little hearts out to all of his email recipients. But he takes the time to add it. Every time.

And I'm grateful for that two-second gesture among the more mundane daily communication of our marriage. Beyond that, I'm especially grateful that he sometimes takes the time to write a witty reply to an email. My husband is wicked funny like that. Check out this email exchange from before Christmas:

me: (apropos of nothing) I am totally getting you a viking hat for Christmas

him: I already have a Viking hat. If you're talking about the Minnesota Vikings, then I'd prefer a Patriots one. =)  <3

me: This one is a KNIT hat to keep you warm tho. One you could actually wear out of the house. Hahahaha. Almost as good as the moose hat I found. You clearly need a new hat.

him: Coolness. Got a pic? <3

me:

 

him:  You must not want me to have any confidence left. <3

me: lol. Doesn’t it say a lot that I think you can pull it off? C’mon, which one do you want? I told kate she’s getting the moose mittens for xmas.

him:

Dear Abby,

My wife thinks my head would look better with a knit moose and/or knit horns attached. Should I be worried?

Thanks,

Worried In Weston

See, that's what I'm talking about right there. Tell me that doesn't make you smile. In fact, I had to share with Kate, who responded in kind:

HAHAHAHA

Dear Worried in Weston,

As long as she is not attempting to knit them herself using hair collected from her gaggle of house cats, you should be okay.

Abby 

I think I'd like to write a whole book of collected emails in this format. That's how inspired I am by the people in my life.

Next time I'm feeling like complaining, maybe I'll just write a little one of those. 

Followed, of course, by a note of thanks to something I'm grateful for.

Awwwww

We were at a friend's house over New Year's Eve weekend this year, playing games and generally being merry. One of our friends had one of those boxes of conversation starter questions and pulled out this question:

"What event would you really like to receive an invitation to?"

My answer: A screening of Wheel of Fortune!
Michael's answer: My future daughter's wedding.


awwwwwwwww.

*****

After I decided on my guiding words for 2011, I started asking Michael at the end of the night what the best part of his day had been as I reflected on mine.

My answer the first night: I got a lot done at work today.
Michael's answer: Coming home to you.


*****


I'm recording these gems so you can remind me of them in 9 months when I'm sleep deprived and irritable and forget how wonderful my husband is, okay?

You're NOT supposed to EAT your baby!

Okay, so last year's new year resolution was doing really well until it trailed off in August. Here's what happened: I found out I was preggo. (After taking THREE pregnancy tests...I never imagined I'd be scrutinizing the definitiveness of a thin, barely there pink line on a urine soaked stick.) Anyway, once I convinced myself it was really, truly true, being pregnant was pretty much all I could think about, all the time. But I couldn't mention it in a blog until I hit the "safety" mark of getting through the first trimester. Plus, I was nauseous all the time. Mostly due to smelling dead rats everywhere. (I'm still unsure if these scents were real or fabricated by the hormones.)

So I stopped writing. (Though you'll be happy to know that I DID write the essay to enter in the Real Simple essay contest. Sadly, it seems I didn't win. Who judges these things, anyway?)

But now I'm 20 weeks in, my baby is approximately the size (and shape?) of a banana (according to my weekly email blast from babycenter.com) and it's a new year. So it's time for a new resolution of sorts. You'll remember that last year I chose a different focus for each month, hoping that I would make some healthy new habits while enjoying some adventures along the way. I focused on de-cluttering and organizing, connecting and relationships, learning Danish, exercise and meditation, using less technology and spending that time in better ways, boundaries and balance, cooking, and creating. By far, the most successful was de-cluttering and organizing, and I've managed to maintain some of that throughout the year. (I read my magazines and then pass them along to friends now instead of keeping them stacked up for 4 years, mocking me!) Learning Danish was moderately successful, and I was able to actually understand some Danish on our trip to Denmark. Exercise worked fairly well for most of the year--I averaged about 3 times a week, including one weekly spin class and one weekly body pump class for several months. In fact, I've somehow become one of those women I hate! You know the type--you walk into the gym and see a (smug) pregnant lady running full speed on the treadmill or stair climber, hardly sweating? Well, okay. That's not quite me. I'm not smug. And though I make it through spin class, sometimes I leave in the middle for a bathroom break. (I'm pregnant--I have to pee a lot!) Actually, I feel kind of like a middle schooler, dawdling in the bathroom before returning begrudgingly to math class. And usually, when the instructor tells us to increase the resistance, I move the knob only marginally.

But I do still exercise. And will continue to, now that I've recently read Brain Rules for Baby and learned how important it is for my future baby's IQ and happiness.

Cooking was a joke--I made 6 meals (5 were pretty good) during the month and the only thing I've cooked since has been grilled cheese and pasta. (I worry for the health and nutrition of my future child.)

But the biggest joke was probably boundaries, balance, and meditation. Major fail here, on pretty much all accounts. I did manage a 5 day silent meditation retreat which was some kind of wonderful, and left me blissfully zen peaceful for a full two weeks following the retreat. But my mindfulness bell has sat largely unused in my meditation corner.

As it turns out, Brain Rules has convinced me that my chronic, moderate level of stress is very unhealthy for our baby and has long-term ramifications for our child, including IQ, impulse control, and ability to soothe himself. Along with a whole bunch of other things. So I'm determined to really work on that this year.

In any case, although I actually got a lot out of last year's month-long adventures, I plan to try a different tactic this year. See, I read this article in Oprah about all of these women who were trying to achieve happiness through a particular goal. One women thought she'd be happy if she could have a baby. Another wanted to start her own business. Etc., etc. You see where this is going, right? Each one accomplished her goal and was totally miserable.

Enter life coach, who shares a strategy for finding happiness in your present life and working towards even more of it in the future. Life coach tells us that rather than focusing on a specific goal, we should envision ourselves achieving that goal and find a few adjectives to describe the way it makes us feel...validated, energized, smart? Then we should look at those aspects of our current life and job that make us feel that way and work towards focusing on other ways to achieve those feelings.

She explained it better, but I'm telling you, it was very compelling.

So I've decided that this year, I'll choose three adjectives to focus on all year. I'll highlight how they apply to my present day life, and I'll use them to guide decisions, and try to move towards them whenever possible. This is important, so it took me a long time to settle on the words.

Ready?

The adjectives I want to use to describe myself in 2011 are...positive, connected, and balanced. I tend to focus on the negative until I get caught in a vicious cycle that I can't see my way out of. So this year, every time I get trapped in that negativity, I'm going to try to list as many things as possible that are positive about my life. If I'm having a booked-solid, horrible week, I will focus on the night out with my girlfriend or the time Michael let me go to sleep early.

I know I feel most energized and motivated and happy when I am engaged with work or other people. So I'm going to try to stop screening as many calls and multitasking and laying on the couch hoping for a little nap while on duty in the dorm. Instead, I'm going to leave my door open, make dinner plans with friends, and turn the television off and play board games with my husband.

Balanced is going to be the hardest, but also maybe the most crucial guiding word for the year. I'm going to be a mother soon! Technically, I suppose I already am. I need to establish some foundation of sanity which is strikingly lacking in my life. It looks likely that after my maternity leave, I'll be back to work either 4 days a week or full time. And still dorm parenting. And since I sometimes lose my mind and let my head spin a la the exorcist, followed by a meltdown complete with sobbing, chocolate, and hibernating...

Well, I need to work on balance. I need to bring back some meditation. And stick to the exercise routine. And learn to leave work at work. And learn the definition of "good enough." Maybe even eat a little healthier? I need to sleep. And let the little things go. I need to find joy between the chunks of impatience. I need to prioritize the meaningful aspects of life over the illusion of perfectionism.

So those are my goals for this year. Perhaps lofty in the face of a newborn and the first months of mommyhood. But worth aiming for.

So let's end this post with something positive to focus on. Imagine the scene: I'm in my sister's living room, squatting among the toys and pack and plays, playing with my 10 month old nephew, Cooper, when my 3-year-old nephew Greyson starts climbing on me in such a way that could possibly qualify as reckless endangerment of my developing fetus. So I tell him how we have to be careful of the growing baby. And he asks where the baby is. And I tell him it's in my belly.

And he holds his hand out under my chin and demands, "SPIT IT OUT, EM. You are NOT supposed to SWALLOW your baby!"

hahahahahahahahaha.

I've gotta write that one in the baby journal.

Halfway to Zen Peaceful

So August is supposed to be creating month, and I have to admit that in some ways it doesn't look good. It was off to a good start, as we rearranged our apartment and I got to decorate the new bedroom. That was creative and fun, and I have to say that I'm SO excited with the results. I still need to hang pictures and shelves (once Ikea gets them in stock) but otherwise it's done and it makes me feel like I live in a fancy hotel. I LOVE it.

But then I went off to the meditation retreat, which was really great, but not particularly creative. And we leave in a few days for the cruise, and then when we come back it's almost time for dorm parent trainings and getting the dorm ready. But I won't give up yet. I can practice with the camera on vacation, and I'll start with printing photos and doing our year 2 of marriage photo book first. That might be as far as I get, but that's okay.

I've been really proud of my ability to keep the peace from the retreat with me at work. I haven't gotten even the slightest bit upset at this nightmare project (or the dynamics involved with it.)  But I did lose my cool yesterday about something else.

I had gone online a couple months ago and painstakingly booked all of our excursions and shows on the cruise, because I knew some of the ones we wanted were going to be really popular. I went online yesterday to just look at them and get excited and found none were actually booked. There must have been a glitch--or else I didn't complete the process somehow. So I went to re-book them all, but since the cruise is less than a week out, NONE of the ones we wanted were available anymore. I got SO upset. I just felt like we had been looking forward to doing all of these specific things for so long and we wouldn't have another opportunity for some of them. I could have really used a mindfulness bell. =) (It hasn't arrived yet.)

I did calm down enough to call them and see if they could work any magic. The woman in customer service was super nice, but sure enough everything was booked. But she did say that she thought it was pretty likely that people would cancel and that we'd be able to book some of them on the cruise the first day.

So then I got home and Michael seemed just totally unfazed. And it was just so hard to wrap my head around. But he just said that he knew we'd have a good time no matter what, which even I had to agree with.

How did he get so zen peaceful without even going to a meditation retreat?!